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1st April 2012
An auspicious day on which to post, but I can assure you none of these are April Fool’s day jokes.
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F*** NOSE
I was in London in 1998 and met up with a friend in a London pub. We were enjoying a drink at one end of the bar when I noticed an attractive young woman at the other end of it. She was continuously looking at us, then at her lap, or so I thought. ‘What’s she up to?’ I asked. ‘F*** knows’, said my friend, rather too loudly I fear.
The woman glared at us briefly, before tearing off a page from the sketch pad she had out of view on her lap , and handed it to the barman to pass on to me. That is the first drawing shown. The second followed but a brief time later. The artist was the lovely actress and artist Amanda Ooms. She had apparently just had an exhibition of some of her work. We invited her over for a drink. I gave her a miserly £20 for the drawings – what a cad.
STAUNCH TORY PRESS
It is amusing to note that some of the staunch Tory press, especially the Daily Mail, are becoming very critical of David Cameron’s leadership. As ever I can only ask, why have you left it so late? Arguably you have left it too late, the man has done so much damage already. He needs to be removed from office.
READING COCA LEAVES
A judge in Bolivia has come in for criticism for helping him make judgements by reading Coca leaves and has rejected all calls for him to resign. It sounds like a very sensible way to reach a judgement as far as our judiciary are concerned, given the nonsensical judgements that are increasingly being made, but perhaps tea leaves should be used instead.
YOU WANNA BUY A WOMAN FOR $10,000?
Whilst working in Berlin in the mid 90s I was invited to a party given by Michel Holm, who lives not far from Munich. Michael is what I call a Schlager Futzi, that is to say a well known German language hit recording artist. I was unable to get a cheap flight to Munich, so decided to take the train instead, a journey of some 6 hours plus.
I boarded the train in Berlin and found a compartment with three free seats. Just before the train departed two men came in and took up the remaining two seats. They deposited two large, identical travelling cases on the racks above, both brand spanking new. The journey proved predictably boring, a nun, a young girl and an older woman to talk to, none of them looked particularly inspiring conversationalists.
After an hour or so one of the guys who had boarded last asked me whether I was travelling all the way to Munich. I replied that I was. Would I keep my eye on their cases; they were going to the restaurant car for a drink. Of course, I was glad to be of assistance.
It must have been a good three hours, more I guess, before they returned. By that time the other passengers had got off at intervening stations. The older of the two, a plumpish man in his mid 30s introduced himself in passable German. ‘Hi, I’m Alex. Thanks for looking after our cases.’ ‘No problem’, I said. ‘This is my minder,’ he said, pointing to his longhaired, sour faced and incredibly fit looking companion. ‘He is ex Spetznaz and has killed many Afghanis.’ ‘Really?’ I tried not to look surprised. They were both Russians and a conversation developed with Alex. One of the cases was taken down from the overhead luggage rack and a bottle of Vodka and a couple of plastic beakers brought out. Alex’s minder, whose name I have forgotten, had no more to drink. Alex, who had had far too much to drink already, and yet certainly knew how to hold his drink (don’t most Russians?), offered me some Vodka. To be polite I accepted, and it was good stuff. He asked why I was going to Munich; I told him.
To my astonishment he then proceeded to tell me that he had just visited Berlin to sell a woman – for $10,000.00. He saw the sceptical look on my face and showed a certain irritation. He then proceeded to take off first his left shoe, and the sock, and the same again for the right foot. Wrapped in clear polythene were two bundles of US$ notes ‘Now you believe me, he asked, you wanna count the money?’ ‘No, no,’ said I, ‘I never doubted you Alex,’ lying shamefacedly. ‘You wanna buy a woman? I can get you a real nice Russian girl for $10,000.00. ‘That’s very kind of you, Alex, but I am in a happy relationship just now’ .‘ OK,’ he said, ‘you have been good man looking after our cases. When you are next in Munich you call me.’ He had written out his mobile number on a scrap of paper and thrust it at me. ‘You will have one of my girls for nothing. It’s on the house.’
I did phone Alex some months later, when I had intended to go to Munich again. The line was dead. Perhaps for all I know he was too.
Extracted from my book IT HAPPENED IN BERLIN to be published later this year.
STRAUSS KAHN
I find this so funny. One of his defence team, who stated he has not a case to answer under French law, also made the point that how can you tell whether a woman is a prostitute. Once naked you can’t tell, all women look the same. I guess he has a point.
BIG BROTHER
The government intends to bring new legislation before parliament that will allow GCHQ and others to monitor individuals’ phone calls, emails, texts and websites visits, those of everyone in the UK. Were it to succeed, it would be the most obnoxious legislation that has been put before parliament in a long time, well, not since Labour attempted it and the Tories voiced their opposition to it.
This has to be stopped. This government has to be removed from office, it is not fit for purpose. Even if the bill gets passed, I hope many will email one another, call one another, text one another and use sensitive words such as ‘terrorists are about to kill David Cameron’ or the attack on Canary Wharf is set for such and such a date’. Detection devices sensitive to such key words are already in use, indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if this post is picked up, but it would create a great deal of havoc with the security services.
IT’S A KHAT’S LIFE
I recently read an article about Khat, a plant whose leaves are chewed and act as a mild stimulant. This plant is banned as an illegal substance in the USA and many European countries, but not in the UK. I was given some by a Somali a few years ago, but it did absolutely nothing for me.
The leaves of this plant, which is grown in the Horn of Africa and South West Arabia, once chewed, are said to produce mild euphoria and excitement similar to amphetamines. It is indeed an anomaly that its use is permitted here. For further details:
